dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It's rum buckets o'clock
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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