Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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