My Higher Power is John Stamos
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
