Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
