May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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