I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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