the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
