Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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