I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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