She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
this beer tastes like vomit already
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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