She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
