Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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