pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
