i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
