How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
