You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
