He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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