i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
