i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
