I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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