oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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