i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
