At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
