Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
