I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
