I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My life is pants optional.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
