Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
