Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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