sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
