just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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