Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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