My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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