I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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