the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
