She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
