there's paper in my vomit.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
