Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
