Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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