I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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