Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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