I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Randomize
