Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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