it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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