Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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