I puked a lego.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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