my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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