I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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