I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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