She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
OPIZZABONMYDICK
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
