This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
